One of the more fascinating human actions is asking for feedback. People ask frequently, “What do you think of….” But sometimes, what they mean is not actually, “What do you think?” but instead, “Tell me how this is great from your perspective.” Which is funny. But true.
Think about your own requests for feedback. Do you really want feedback—even if it’s negative? Are you really ready to hear that what you created isn’t very good at all? Or are you more prepared to hear that whatever thoughts came through your mind are obviously golden?
For years, I have watched people ask for feedback and then get angry when others tell them anything less than that their work is amazing. So why ask? Why not just shift the question? Why not ask, “Can you please tell me how what I created is absolutely amazing, and then please go on to tell me how what I created is a masterpiece that will stand the test of time?” Because people don’t want the truth. And the likely reality is: You don’t either.
I have spent a lifetime taking feedback. I have had people rip me apart for everything from things I can control to things I cannot control, and there has been little mercy. As a public figure, that scathing feedback has only multiplied exponentially. Part of the reason there has been little mercy is that I know I offer people a safe space to genuinely tell me what they think. And it’s unrealistic to say that I haven’t received very painful feedback through the years, because I certainly have. But I also know that I contribute to it, in that I take whatever people say because I asked for it (heck, I take what people say even when I don’t ask for it). Why? because I learned early on that outside opinions are exactly that: outside opinions. If I shape them to be what I demand, then they are no longer outside opinions, but my take on others’ opinions.
But what about you?
Do you really want feedback?
What if that feedback says, “Throw out everything you filmed,” or “Re-write everything you wrote,” or “Start from scratch….”? Do you really want to hear that? Can you actually handle that? Are you psychologically strong enough to handle that?
Without exaggeration, I could fill an entire book with professional articles I’ve written that, after feedback, I scratched entirely. I recently found a manuscript (48,000+ words) that I completely abandoned after feedback I received that said it honestly wasn’t even close to where I thought it was in my mind. I dropped that project and moved on to others, and I completely forgot about it until I found the old computer I had written it on. But when I gave it another look, I realized that the feedback I had received on it had been spot on, even if it didn’t feel comfortable at the time. I have lived my life by that, and that has made me more effective at what I do.
But this isn’t about me; it’s about what lessons you can take away both from my experiences with feedback and your own.
So again, I ask, “Do you really want feedback?” Because sometimes the feedback you receive will be that what you created just honestly wasn’t very good. And that does not mean that you’re not great. That does not mean that you’re not awesome. It just means that not everything you create—NO MATTER HOW MUCH TIME AND EFFORT YOU PUT INTO IT—is honestly good.
The reason? Sometimes we see ideas in our minds that we haven’t mastered translating to others yet. Your ego will whisper (or even scream) that you are right and anyone who doesn’t worship what you produce is wrong, but the more accurate reality is that sometimes what you create is simply not ready.
But there is a way to take feedback, just as there is a way to give feedback. It all centers on nonattachment.
When people give you feedback about what you do, they are not giving you feedback about who you are, they are simply giving you feedback about your performance. And feedback about your performance has nothing to do with who you are as a person; it simply has to do with your performance. The same is true when you give feedback: Sharing with others that what they’ve created is not as clear as they believe is not saying that you don’t like that person or that they are not brilliant; it is simply saying that what you encountered was not effective.
People reach out to me all the time asking that I give them feedback on their work. When I was younger, I was foolish enough to answer honestly. Unfortunately, after many experiences, I’ve learned that people genuinely do not want feedback, they want praise.
So now, unless you are paying me to consult for you, there is no way that I’m telling you anything other than that whatever you created is awesome—because that’s all most people are really asking for anyway, and I am really, very keenly aware of how much people tend to lash out if someone dares point out anything that can be improved. And the truth is that I do think YOU are awesome, as I believe all life is truly awesome. But I do not think all work, especially mine, is always awesome.
So, if you want honest feedback, hire me. But if you want praise, reach out to me to tell you how great you are. The truth is that you really are great: You are life incarnate. You are amazing. Sure, what you’ve created might not be effective, but you may not be ready to hear that. So, in the meantime, just know that whatever you create is absolutely amazing, and anyone who can’t see it has something seriously wrong with them…
And remember: Feedback is awesome. It’s integral to helping us become the best that we can be, but we each have to be strong enough to handle what is said.
And that is my wish for you.
May you be strong enough to set your ego aside, and may you be dedicated enough that you are ready to throw out everything and start from scratch – because not only does the world deserve your best, but you deserve to give your best to the world.
Sending everyone who sees this, and everyone who doesn’t, much peace.