A great and giant sumo wrestler once told a frail old Zen master that the intellect was a waste of time and “no match at all for brute strength.” The master respectfully disagreed, so the powerful wrestler challenged the old man to a wrestling match. To the surprise of everyone around, the Zen master accepted the challenge; but he did so on only two conditions: The first was that they were to wrestle for three minutes, and three minutes only; and the second was that they would begin when he said. The great wrestling champion bellowed in laughter at the feeble master and readily agreed to his terms.
The old master told his challenger that their match would begin in a short time. While the wrestler turned his back to the teacher and bragged about his strength to his friends, the master climbed up the stairs of the great temple. When he was at the top of the temple, he looked far down below to the wrestler and said, “The match begins right now.” The wrestler looked at his friends and said, “He thinks I won’t make it to him in three minutes, but I will!” And with that, he took off up the stairs as fast as he could possibly run.
The wrestler ran so hard and so fast that he actually did make it to the top in just less than three minutes. In fact, he made it to the top with three seconds to spare. Unfortunately for him, however, he was so tired from the run that he immediately collapsed on his back from exhaustion the instant he climbed the last step. The master put a single finger on his chest, counted to three, and conquered the wrestler just as the time was up.
Contrary to what the wrestler believed, it is brute strength that is no match for the intellect.
Brute strength can come in many different forms, and when it comes to emotional interactions, nagging is one of those forms. Nagging occurs when people repeatedly tell others what they want them to be doing differently. Nagging is hard to define for some, because often when we do it to others we see it as “thoughtful reminding” (albeit repeatedly), whereas if others repeatedly thoughtfully remind us – well, that we can call “nagging.” From the outside, however, nagging is certainly an attempt at emotional brute strength.
All too often, we try to force others to do what we want them to do or be what we want them to be. We think if our loved ones “would just listen” to us, then everything would be okay. We try to force our solutions onto them by repeatedly emphasizing our points, or, what they would call, “nagging.” With every nag, we try to “motivate” our loved ones to do what we want; but the more we nag, the more we tend to push others away. Brute strength, even in the form of nagging, will never be a match for a well-thought-out approach to motivating our loved ones with compassion, patience, and clear communication.
At the end of the day, you cannot (at least in a healthy way) make people do what you want, and you definitely cannot force others to be “internally” motivated (otherwise it’s no longer internal, but external motivation). If you do want others to act differently, then it’s wise to be mindful of two things:
1. You don’t need others to act differently, you just want them to
2. Just as you don’t like to be nagged, others equally dislike it (even if it is by you)
If it came down to a match between the two, nagging would stand no chance against using your intellect to find different ways to motivate others to act differently.