I once worked with a family who originally brought their 14 year-old daughter in for therapy; we’ll call the girl “Sally.” Her parents reported that Sally was “defiant, moody, and disrespectful,” according to them, she was a “bad child.” In fact, in the initial meeting, the mother asked me specifically, “What am I supposed to do with my bad child?”
After I got a little background history on the family, I learned that:
Sally’s father has been degrading and demeaning to both her mother and her throughout her entire life (He calls them names that I am choosing not to repeat here – and all three family members in one way or another recounted the same story of verbal abuse); in addition, he also:
- Told Sally that he “wished she was never born because she was a big mistake“
- Said he “wished it was legal for him to pound her face in.”
- Said and did many other harmful things I am choosing to leave out of this article
Sally’s mother reported being inconsistent with her for “as long as she could remember;” including doing things such as:
- Forbidding Sally to see her 22 year-old boyfriend – then driving Sally to see him from time to time (“just three or four times,” according to her mother)
- Telling Sally “no” throughout her entire life until Sally asked enough times for things, then giving in – including allowing Sally to use drugs in the house (“better than outside the home,” her mother said)
- Allowing Sally to go at age 12 to a friend’s house even though that “friend” was a 20 year-old young woman who was working as a prostitute at the time (Her mother reported that she was “aware of it,” and that “maybe it wasn’t such a good idea looking back on it, because we did know that there were a lot of drugs moving in and out of that house too, but Sally kept asking to go down there, and I got tired of her asking….”)
As I frequently see in therapeutic settings, both parents wanted me to “fix” Sally so that she would “stop being disrespectful to them,” and so that Sally could “learn to listen better.”
Instead of getting right to work on “fixing” Sally, I chose to ask her parents a couple questions:
“Could you help me understand if you really believe that there exists a child who could grow up with no rules, no healthy consequences, no patience, no models-of-respectful-behavior, and no boundaries, and turn out to be “respectful and a great listener?”
Even if Sally gets “fixed,” what are you expecting to happen when she returns to an environment where nothing else has changed?
Sally’s mom when she started therapy: “My bad child.”
Sally’s mom after she attended therapy: “My bad, child.”
Oh what a difference a comma can make….
Now Sally’s parents did what most parents do when they come into therapy thinking it’s “all their child’s fault,” and then learn that they contribute to their child’s behavior: they went from one extreme to the other and talked about how they are “terrible” and “horrible” and the “worst parents in the world.” But that extreme vacillation to the other end was not helpful, because extreme thoughts are exactly what got them into the mess originally. Balance is the key.
It’s easy to form quick judgments about Sally’s parents – but before we do, consider this: they parented her the way they were parented. They did what they knew. I believe people do the best they can with what they have in any given moment. Haven’t we all technically “known” something without incorporating it into our attitudes, worldview, or behavior? Instead of thinking about how ineffective Sally’s parents are, how about if we all take a closer look at what we are doing to contribute to our children’s behaviors?
As parents, we are our children’s teachers. As humans, we play a role in every interaction we have.
Instead of focusing on what others can do differently in our conversations today, how about if we take a moment to consider what we can do differently? Maybe we can try to avoid the extremes of splitting into “all good” in one moment and “all bad” in the next. Maybe today we can just focus on being aware of how we come across to others in every interaction, and simply say, “My bad;” then we can work on our part of it all. By saying, “my bad,” we are not apologizing for everything that happened in every one of our interactions, we are simply taking responsibility for our part in it all.
Then we can move from:
My bad child
My bad partner
My bad spouse
My bad friend
To:
My bad, everyone….
Man, that comma changes a lot.