Sometimes when we’re really hurt or upset with someone, we really want other people to be equally as angry or upset with the person who hurt us. But the reality is, as much as we might try, we cannot rally people to actually experience our experience; the only thing we can do is incite them to feel a similar feeling as we have. But why do we feel the need to do that?
Once, I had a client who was so upset with his brother that he became furious with anyone who would support his brother in any way. The support others would give his brother in no way, shape or form affected this man’s life, except that this man wanted everyone to hate his brother as much as he did. The result was that my client ended up looking like a really jealous person who had a difficult time handling his brother’s successes (which only made people empathize with his brother more). For the most part, people would say whatever they had to around my client so they wouldn’t upset him, but there was nothing my client could do to change or control his friends’ and family’s thoughts about his brother.
Ultimately, my client had to realize that his anger with his brother was only about himself – that his brother was simply the object or symbol of his anger, but the anger about his brother resided within himself. He was angry at his brother for hurting him, and he was angry at the idea that he could not control what other people thought of his brother. It took a long time, but when he realized this, he was able to free himself of trying to get everyone around him to be equally as mad at his brother.
We often want other people to feel how we feel so that we can justify or better understand our own experiences. But once we realize that all we really want is for someone to understand that we are hurting or suffering in some way, then we can actually ask for what we want. In the case of my client, his understanding of this concept helped change his conversations from, “How can you not see past all of my brother’s horrible ways?!” to, “My brother really hurt me, and I guess I’d just really like you to know that.” The difference in approach not only considerably changed the way others thought about his brother, but it also helped him receive the type of understanding that he was actually seeking.
No matter how hard you try, you cannot hand others your experiences. You also cannot control what other people think. You can, however, learn to express the hurt you have as accurately as possible. The more accurately you express yourself, the more likely it is that you will get the sense of validation that you are likely seeking in the first place.
The lesson: Let go of trying to control other people’s thoughts, and spend more time learning how to accurately express your own suffering.