For more than twenty years, my tagline has been, “There are two kinds of people in the world: People with issues and dead people.” It’s funny, but it’s true. And I really do believe it. One of the biggest reasons why I don’t judge others is I am keenly aware that I have my own struggles, too.
So everyone has issues, and there are times when we’re struggling more than others. When we’re struggling and we need help, how do we go about pursuing it? And more than that: When we see others struggling and needing help, how do we give it when they don’t want it?
An old aphorism is “you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink.” And that’s true. But I read somewhere once that you can put salt in his oats and make him pretty darn thirsty. For me, that, in many ways, encompasses Yield Theory™. A big part of Yield Theory™ is putting metaphorical salt in people’s psychological oats. I try to inspire people to want to know more. But how?
Lao Tzu once said that when people have answers, they are difficult to lead, but when people know that they don’t know, they will find their way. That’s deep. And it’s on point. Our egos really convince us that our sense of certainty is unquestionable; but our deeper selves know better. If we can “empty our cups” and set our egos to the side, then we are in a real position to grow.
Back to Yield Theory™. One of the first concepts I teach in it is for people to empty their cups. And I do that for the exact reason that Lao Tzu suggested: When people know that they don’t know, they will find their way.
As someone who spent the vast majority of his career with people mandated to be in front of me, I’ve encountered a thing or two about offering help to those who don’t want it. What I have experienced, time and again for more than two decades is this: Once people feel safe enough to say everything they need to say and get out whatever they need to get out, they are much more likely to be open to whatever you have to offer.
So the next time you want to help someone who doesn’t seem to want your help, go with that. Get behind their eyes and really try to genuinely see why they don’t want your help. Because if you can truly meet others where they are and allow them to get out all they need to get out, even when what they are is thinking the worst of you, then you will have a much better chance to actually break through.
And here’s a plus for anyone out there who is impatient and thinks, “Letting them get out everything they need to will take too much time, and I don’t have that kind of time….” Well, to that I say: If you were going to open a combination lock to a vault, and the combination consisted of 30 numbers, you “not wanting” to take the time to turn the dial 30 times will not open the vault faster. In fact, the longer you complain about not wanting to turn the dial that many times, the longer the vault will stay closed. But the sooner you recognize the reality that the lock takes 30 turns to open, the sooner you can get started actually doing it. And if you mess up and have to start over, instead of blaming the “stupid lock” or even the “stupid person who put the lock on the vault,” you might best not waste more time, and again, just get to turning. Because the real truth is, any delay in you turning the lock is a self-inflicted delay, not one that actually exists. Because the lock is the lock. The combination is the combination. And the sooner you turn the dial correctly, the sooner the vault to the treasure opens.
And that’s why Yield Theory™ will help you get to the heart of things faster. And it’s exactly how you can help those who don’t want help.
Help people understand what they don’t know, but do so by leading by example – by setting your own ego aside first – because when you live the message you teach, your lessons will resonate father and wider than you ever imagined.
Check out my book, Walking Through Anger to understand Yield Theory™ in more depth. As a bonus, you’ll not only learn how to handle conflict and others’ intense emotions, but you’ll also learn how to handle your own.