Parenting is the most honorable and incredible job in the world; but at times, it can definitely get complicated, scary, and overwhelming. After working with thousands of parents and children throughout my career, I came up with a very simple approach that parents can rely on to help them guide their children. I call this approach my “Four Cs of Parenting.” The Four Cs are: Choices, Consequences, Consistency, and Compassion. What I can tell you with confidence is this: Understanding how to implement the Four Cs can make all the difference in the world.
CHOICES
The first C is choices. Providing your children with choices will help them learn that choices are inevitable in life. After all, regardless of what anyone ever tells us, we are all constantly choosing our actions, and we are all accountable for the choices that we make. The reality is that even if we are “telling” our children what to do and they listen, they are still choosing to listen. We are human beings with free will, and even if it doesn’t feel like it at times, we are always making choices. In fact, even making “no decision” is actually a decision.
The power behind choices is greater than anything you might be able to immediately see. For example, if you constantly tell your children what to do, then you might not realize that you are training them to learn to wait for you to tell them what to do. If, on the other hand, you can consciously provide choices and give your children the space to choose, then they will soon learn the value and power of choice. Children who grow up being offered choices have a better understanding of what comes after every choice.
CONSEQUENCE
This of course brings me to the second C, because every choice we make has a consequence. Providing appropriate consequences for your children prepares them for their future, since every single decision our children ever make in life (no matter their age) will come standard with a consequence. I think it is profoundly important for the consequence to “fit the crime.” In other words, when children mess up, they NEVER deserve abuse in any way. In fact, once you genuinely understand that the purpose of consequences is to teach, you will see that it’s possible to raise happy, healthy, and well-adjusted children without ever hitting or even yelling at them.
I believe it’s significant to understand that children will naturally have a reaction to receiving a negative consequence, and there is no need to pile on consequences for children having a natural upset reaction to receiving a negative consequence. For example, if you take away television or video games from your children for two days because they made an ineffective choice, and then they get upset or talk about how the consequence is “unfair,” you don’t also need to give them a consequence for being justifiably upset with their decision. Instead, that’s a perfect opportunity to reinforce that you didn’t “give” them a consequence, rather, you merely followed through with the consequence of the choice they made.
CONSISTENCY
Whatever consequences you enforce, it is imperative that you stick to your guns. The third C is consistency: In other words, if you say something, follow through with what you say. When you’re consistent with what you say, your children learn that you actually mean what you say. It’s vital to be mindful of the words you use, because following through with what you say makes you significantly more credible with your children. Although it’s probably not realistic for parents to be 100% consistent, the more you recognize the value in consistency, the more likely you will make following through a priority.
It is better, in my opinion, to take something away from your child for one day and actually follow through with it, than it is to threaten to take something away for a much longer time, and then give in before that time is up. The reason consistency is so important is that your children will learn that when you say something, you mean it, which directly translates into you repeating yourself far less. I have seen countless parents through the years give in on their consequences because they feel guilty for yelling or providing such a harsh consequence; but if you can be conscious of providing consequences from a place of love, then there will be no need to feel guilty or give in on what you say. Love is the key, and it leads to the fourth C.
COMPASSION
The Fourth C is compassion. Remember that, as a parent, it’s your job to teach your children. Children haven’t been around as long as you have, and they’re learning their world; you as the parent are their primary guide and teacher. Your children deserve compassion with each lesson you give them; and they certainly need it when they make choices that lead to difficult or uncomfortable consequences. When you give your children compassion, you can separate who they are from what they’ve done. You can let them know that you love them, but what they did was ineffective. When you’re compassionate with your children, they tend to feel safe. When children feel safe, they are more prepared to learn. Every life experience is a lesson in the waiting.
When parenting becomes overwhelming and you’re searching for the most effective way to guide your children through any situation, remember the Four Cs. The difference they make in both your children’s lives and your own can literally bring more peace to your family than you might imagine. Your children deserve your best. They deserve the safety of your loving-kind intentions and actions, and they deserve a learning environment that provides the structure of compassionate guidance. With the Four Cs, they will get that: They will get you giving them your best.