Dr Conte:
Today was the first day I googled the phrase “anger management.” After reading several articles on the topic, I came across your short video on YouTube: “Dr. Conte: Anger Management Technique: Getting Angry Without Knowing Why.” It was so simple and yet eye-opening that I couldn’t stop crying when I realized that you systemized my subconsciousness’ worries:
Shame – I was always ashamed of my body, my weight, my looks. It’s a constant struggle that I’ve been fighting since my childhood.
Depression – Things in the past that we regret or simply cannot change. My Mom passed away when she was 44 and I was 21. I didn’t get to say goodbye and didn’t get to fulfill her hopes and dreams that she had for me in time. I’ve achieved a lot of her and my dreams since then, however she didn’t get to enjoy those moments with me.
Anxiety – I live so far away from my family, which makes me anxious about our relationship in the future. I get to see them only once every one or two years. Every time I visit them I find new wrinkles on my Dad’s face and notice how my little brother has grown over the years, and I feel like I am not part of their lives anymore.
Anger – My biggest enemy and relief at the same time. I lash out on my husband when I overeat, when I feel fat and ugly, when I am happy for my kids’ achievements but sad and angry because my Mom never got to see her grandchildren, which was her biggest dream of all. I get angry when I have an argument with my family over the phone and can’t just show up there and solve the issue, because next time I will see them will be in a year or so.
LOVE – Compassion and knowledge. I analyze my life, actions and emotions all the time. I always try to stay organized and focused, but life with two little kids and a full time job gets overwhelming and stressful. My anger issues arise and my relationship with my husband is getting worse. He is the one I moved far away from my family with. He is also the one that was there for me when my Mom passed away; he is the only one that saw and still sees my true beauty and loves me for who I am. I don’t want to hurt him anymore and take out my anger on him every time we have an argument.
Dr. Conte, please advise on how to plan my next steps toward eliminating shame, depression and anxiety issues that I’ve been dealing with for so many years, and that are getting out of control lately.
Thank you,
Stephanie*
Hi Stephanie,
I’m honored that you watched my video
Getting Angry Without Knowing Why so intently. First, my heart goes out to you with all you’re experiencing. Second, you might be surprised to realize that you’ve
already started working on all of these states (shame, depression, anxiety and anger). Your
awareness is the first step. To be conscious and work on lessening shame, depression, anxiety and anger, it’s important to understand where they come from, and why they are arising. For example, it sounds like you might be taking things out on your husband unconsciously when you’re stressed about other aspects of your life. My guess he’s the one you feel safest around, and while that’s a gift, that also tends to mean that you might let your guard down entirely around him, and that means giving him the brunt of your pain through anger. Although it can feel good momentarily to release anger, as I show in that video, unless you learn to deal with what is actually happening, you will keep yourself locked in that cycle of shame.
Knowing that anger is a cover for other emotions can help you pause every time it comes up in you. In that pause, it’s a good time to analyze whether or not the anger is justified or just helping you move out of shame, depression, or anxiety temporarily – but ultimately leading you back to all three of those things. In regard to moving out of shame, depression, and anxiety, it will take work and effort, but it is entirely possible. I definitely recommend that you take some time to sit down with a mental health professional in your area and explore these issues. Working through all of those states takes time, but I certainly want you to begin working on them with hope – so even if you can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel, I’d love for you to know that one exists.
Finally, I really hate to see you operating on the assumption that you somehow let your mom down. I’m sorry that you didn’t get to say goodbye to her, but as a parent, she no doubt loves you for you – not for what you accomplish. I think you would feel much lighter letting go of what sounds to me like unnecessary guilt… I understand that you are happy for your kids’ achievements (as you should be), but I’m guessing that even if they didn’t “accomplish” anything in their lives, you would love them all the same. Although it’s great to be proud of what our kids accomplish, a parent’s love is not dependent on what our children do. In the same way that I believe you genuinely love your children no matter what, my guess is that your mom feels the same about you. In any case, through whatever you’re experiencing, I’m sending you all the best and much peace!
Dr. Conte
*Names have been changed for privacy.
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