Dear Dr. Conte,
I have a somewhat strange question. I’m not a native English speaker, so please forgive my bad English.
I am struggling a bit with the issue of “power and submission.” I have experienced violence as a child for a few years, and I’m in therapy. The thing is, there is a part of me which wants to be powerful and strong all the time. I feel the need to always be assertive and quick witted, also be able to fight if needed. The thing is, I do fear certain people, especially if they trigger me in some way, so this means I am not always strong, fearless, etc.
If I wasn’t assertive, a part of me thinks I am weak and submissive. So, what is happening here? If I don’t talk back I am not necessarily weak, but I feel so. I know this has become too long. Maybe you can help me with this a bit.
Thank you.
Yours
Rashmi*
Hi Rashmi,
I think you asked a great and powerful question. Your awareness of how you have a tendency to go to extremes (i.e., “either I’m assertive or weak and submissive”) is really insightful. Carl Jung called this movement from one extreme to another “enantiodromia,” and I talk about it in my video, Getting Control of Yourself.
It’s natural for us to want to protect ourselves, and that protective instinct is even more heightened after experiencing violence. The good news is you are obviously conscious enough to both recognize what you are doing and constantly grow psychologically. I would say to continue to be mindful of striving to have balance in your life. I’m guessing your quick wit makes you fun to be around, and your assertiveness probably establishes boundaries in a healthy way (of course both of those traits could have downsides, too). Vulnerability (in some form) is a fundamental aspect to intimate relationships, so I actually think it’s great that you’re becoming more conscious of the role vulnerability and fear play in your life and the connections you have.
In terms of being assertive, remember that sometimes we show strength in our restraint, so not saying something might be more effective than saying something – especially if you’re saying something just to show others (or yourself) that you are strong enough to actually do so. The other aspect to my Getting Control of Yourself video that might fit for you is the part where I talk about the difference between assertiveness and aggression. Once we can understand the difference between those two, we really set ourselves up for success, because we not only learn how to set and maintain healthy boundaries, but we also figure out how to avoid unnecessary conflict.
I don’t think people who have the courage to learn about themselves get enough credit for their journeys, so I just want to say publicly that I think it’s absolutely awesome the way you are showing courage to learn about yourself.
Sending you all the best and much peace,