Respect is important to many people. Some people are so fixated on not being “disrespected,” that they will go to great lengths to demand respect from others. The concept of respect then becomes the centerpiece for people’s lives. But why?
First, think about to whom the concept of respect is so important:
- Parents don’t want to be disrespected by their children
- People in relationships don’t want to be disrespected by their partners
- Young people don’t want to be disrespected by their peers
- Gangsters don’t want to be disrespected by anyone
All in all, “respect” seems to be in control of everyone who idealizes the concept itself.
As human beings, we want to feel safe. We want to feel safe in relationships, and we want to feel physically safe in our world; therefore, we have developed a belief that if we are respected, we will be safe. But there is a difference in our approach when we strive for safety and when we strive for respect. There is also a difference between demanding respect and commanding respect – and there are lots of alternatives to “respect” for feeling safe.
To demand respect is to tell others, “You will respect me!” or otherwise threaten or punish those who do not act according to your wishes. To command respect is to have others observe and admire your actions of their own volition.
The underlying desire of having respect is feeling safe and in control.
Parents feel in control when their children act according to their wishes
- People in relationships feel safe and in control if they believe their significant other is not going to abandon them (physically or mentally)
- Young people feel safe if their peers accept them as part of the group
- Gangsters feel safe if they believe others aren’t threatening their lives
We all want to feel safe, because it is one of the most primal human needs. Ironically enough, however, the more we strive to demand respect from others, the more we actually jeopardize our relationships – and ultimately, our own safety (even if it’s only our psychological safety).
The next time you desire to demand respect from others, consider this:
People usually do not set out to disrespect others. Instead, human beings have a tendency to seek pleasure and avoid pain. Children do not “disrespect” parents by not listening; they simply seek maximum pleasure and minimum pain. If you’re a parent, try not taking your children’s natural desire to seek pleasure over pain personally – because, on some level, you do the same thing.
If you really want to feel safe in relationships, instead of spending your efforts demanding respect and trying to get your partner change behavior – work to become someone who your partner wants to be around.
If you’re a young person, spend time working on how you feel about yourself regardless of what others think. That’s tough, yes, but it will pay off.
If you’re a gangster, ask yourself if you’re really threatened by others, or if you’re not eliciting conflict by constantly looking for it.
Instead of demanding respect, consider looking for the safety you’re actually seeking – try expressing the hurt or insecurities you feel – and watch your ability to command respect grow….